Things I learned living in the South

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one’s seen before.
If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
Jawl-P? means, Did you all go to the bathroom?
People actually grow,eat and like okra.
Fixinto is one word. It means I’m going to do that.
There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there’s supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
The word jeet is actually a question meaning, ‘Did you eat?’
You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is, you work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
Ya’ll is singular. All ya’ll is plural.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
You carry jumper cables in your car – for your OWN car.
You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.
Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss(first name) or Mr.(first name)
You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
You know what a hissy fit is..
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
We don’t need no dang Driver’s Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.

Grandma’s Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’

Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh… I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’

The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.’

The minister fainted.

And then the fight started…

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift….
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..